Deep, dark and beautiful?

This past month has been.....no, there is no one word that can sum it up. But overall I remember a lot of fear... doubt....self-hatred.... Now I am still very unsure if how to go on... I have to pick up whatever that is left of my self-confidence so that I can start to really heal... How God... how.... I really don't know how to do it... how to act how to find back myself.... or was there any me in the first place?
Trust God... Hang in there... You haven't been through what I have been through... Trust.... such a difficult thing to do now.... I keep wondering... where in the world did I go wrong....
Some days if not most days I wish there is some kinda pills for me... Take it... and forget all that happened... all the betrayal and hurt.... If I forget it all then maybe I can trust again... asking me to trust and believe in you doesn't help... Especially when you are the one that destroyed it.... Oh God I need you.....

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-11

 

And this is to remind myself... I am really weak now.....

So deep and dark Papa... How can it be beautiful again....